When I lost my child, I went into auto-pilot. It was literally an out of body experience. My normally outspoken attributes were lost. There were so many things I wanted to say but didn't or couldn't. At the time, I couldn't articulate these things. My family and friends thought they knew what was best for me and I was too weak to rebel. Honestly, I wish I had signs that I could just hold up whenever I felt a certain way. So many moms are "feeling feels" they've never felt before and don't … Read More »
My Baby Died: Today is her birthday.
This morning I woke up with the intention of publishing another post about my lazy, ungrateful, frustrating and yet absolutely hilarious children. When my feet touched the floor as I got out of bed, my heart fluttered and I felt a familiar uneasy nervousness. My stomach felt queezy, my hands were shaking as I brushed my teeth. I didn't know whether I needed to go to the bathroom or pace. It wasn't an anxiety attack, but I was close. Stop. Breath. In the nose. Out of the mouth. I told … Read More »
My Baby Died: The First Time I Laughed Again
I’m not sure how many days after we buried Toni Camille that Anthony went back to work but it was much too soon for me. That morning was like any other morning since she died. My eyes popped open just before 5 a.m. I didn’t want to disturb Anthony so I eased quietly out of bed. To say that the quietness of the early morning was deafening would be an understatement. I had to remind myself that I did not have to maneuver around Toni’s bassinet because it … Read More »